I know, it’s disgusting to think about. But that’s what I was born to do and I’m proud of my accomplishments. I am your vacuum cleaner.

If they made quality TV shows about home appliances I’d be featured on Dirty Jobs. I get to make a lot of noise and eat a lot of different stuff, but most of that stuff is so gross you wouldn’t feed it to your worst enemy. Yet you give it to me and expect me to be happy about it. Good thing for you its built into my circuits to take your gross dirt and fuzz and really chew it up.

Sometimes I get sick and cough out some residual dust. But we all take ill sometimes, so just give me a good cleaning and a little medical repair and I’ll probably be back on my rollers in no time.

I carry around a lot of heavy baggage. “The Old Bag” hangs on my back all the time keeping my hard earned dust piles off your floor. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff in there. Missing a wedding ring? Why not try checking the old bag first? There’s probably money in there, too.

Hollywood tried to have a human emulate me once. Mrs. Conehead seemed to be doing a good job sucking up the dirt with that vacuum hose, but she did a horrible job of containing the dust. She spit out the dirt and hair with a subtle cough that nearly made audiences around the world throw up in disgust. Listen, if you’re going to try and do my job for me, at least do all of it right. Keep that stuff to yourself or discard it in the proper manner.

I’m just your average vacuum, but I’ve got a powerful older brother named Dyson and a pet vac named Roomba. It fascinates me that Roomba can do a pretty decent job of cleaning your floors without even need assistance from you. Just let him go and he does his own thing completely without supervision (ok well maybe a little supervision). Dyson does a good job, too, but he certainly has a lot more power than I do. He has a powerful suction that I wouldn’t recommend getting in front of. He’ll suck the wind right out of your sails.

I almost forgot my younger brother Oreck. He’s a tiny little thing but has a powerhouse suction, too. I’ve seen him hold a bowling ball in his mouth (younger brothers will do crazy things).

Speaking on behalf of vacuums everywhere, we would like to request that you pay us some attention, quit sticking us in those dark stinky closets and get us a checkup once in a while to keep our parts working right. Give us fresh bags, praise us for preventing you from having to pick up the crud by hand and don’t complain when we make a little noise once in a while. We’ve heard you be louder on football weekends with your buddies. Sheesh.